I Am a Reformed Hot Mess

People who have known me the longest can’t believe it nor can they deny it. This is how I changed from a mess into someone brand new.

Diplomatic people called me “a force of nature.” Hurricane more commonly. I carried chaos around with me like a handbag.

Psychologically and practically, I was a spaz. “You’re an accident, happening,” a boss told me.

“I don’t want to be the center of all this drama!” I would wail. All the while, consistently the center of it.

My smartest friend: “I feel like if I miss a day, I’ve missed a whole season of a show.”

I was always going in multiple directions at top speeds. Improbable people and situations were a fixture. Peace and quiet were far from me. All undergirded by a foundation of depression I’d lived with since I was a child. I was a maniac.

Somehow I managed to survive since I was on my own at 16, and even became a millionaire before 30. But at 39 I was at a complete loss. Nothing that worked for me in the past was working.

Finally at age 39 I came to a halt. In the space of a month, I legitimately lost control of my life: unemployed, about to be evicted, no friends or family, and down to my last $10. I had the thought I should kill myself, but dismissed it because I didn’t have the energy to figure out how.

I had a couple of nights left in my NYC apartment before I’d be out on the street. I was equal parts stunned and terrified that this was my life.

I was awake on the couch at 3AM on Youtube. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but then I found it.

A man was telling the story of his lowest point in life. How he was about to end it, and everything that led up to that point. Our details were different, but the sentiment was the same. He had my attention.

Gloriously, his story changed for the better. He explained what happened to him. Right then, I had hope my life would miraculously change, too. I believed what worked for him would work for me.

It did.

My life today is the opposite in every way to how it was. I’ve had a miraculous transformation. No one who knew me back then can believe or explain it.

mir·a·cle

noun

a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.

“the miracle of rising from the grave”

Before I tell you how I changed, here’s the catch:

Only people who are desperate, poor and/or humble can hear the message. The vast majority of people won’t get it.

If you believe you have life on lock, all your needs and desires met, or at least think you’re doing a pretty good job at life, you’ll pass over the message without really hearing it. Or you’ll hear, but dismiss it as nonsense or irrelevant.

The message is this: Life on earth is the waiting room for eternity spent in one of two places. While you’re in the waiting room, you must decide how you’ll spend your eternity. No choice is a choice.

If you make the choice for God, He will meet all your needs.

Hoping he would work fast, right there on my couch I made the choice for God. I made it a few times for good measure. And then I fell asleep.

The next day my entire situation began to turn around, starting with a check in my mailbox for $5,000 from the IRS. In two more days I was in my new apartment. If you know anything about renting in NYC, you know that’s a miracle. Shortly after, I got a new job that set me on the path of where I am today:

I am in perfect health, stable emotionally and psychologically. I live a happy and peaceful life with several pets. All of my needs are met: I’m blessed to have a paid off car and house on a huge piece of land. My investment portfolio is strong. Despite never graduating from high school, I have a well paying job at a recession proof Fortune 500 company that required a degree, and am considered an MVP there. The environment is non-toxic, my boss is wonderful, and I grow everyday. My job leaves me time for volunteer work and allows me to give money in amounts that would have been life changing to the old me.

It’s a complete turnaround from how I was before Jesus took the wheel.

It’s all a miracle. And all I did was give my life to God.

Living as though God is real changes you and your life for the better. Your definition of “better” is not the same once you’ve been changed, however.

It’s common to lose everything once you decide to live as though God is real. Friends are usually first to go, then job, then everything you liked to do. It’s a stripping, a pruning, a demolition.

Then you get rebuilt.

When you align your thinking and values with God’s your life becomes brand new. Nothing is the same. People who knew you before your change will not recognize you.

Unless you’re wise — the type who doesn’t need to learn the hard way — it takes someone desperate and poor and humble to gamble on this change. If your life is good or even great, why would you want to give that up?

There’s no proof God is real, these people say.

But there is. The evidence is everywhere. YOU are the evidence. And we will all be judged by the evidence.

There may be only a molecule in your being that resonates with the truth that God is real, that all the evidence of Jesus is true. It may be a part so tiny you don’t think it’s there. But it is. God created all of us with spiritual GPS to lead us to the truth. Whoever ignores it will be lost.

Say these words with your mouth and believe them in your heart and you will be saved and changed:

God, I know you’re real. I know I have violated your laws consistently and deserve hell as punishment. But you sent Jesus your son to show us the way. He died for our sins and rose from the grave and is sitting at your right hand in Heaven. He’s coming back soon for his people and I want to meet him. I accept you into my heart and ask you to conform me into the image of your dear son. Use my life for your glory. Amen.

Once you’ve made this important decision, where do you go from there? You must be baptized.

You must grow in grace and the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Start praying to God to lead you to the right church. You need to be around other believers.

There is an infallible manual for living. It addresses every single human experience, situation and feeling. It has a solution for every problem. It’s the most published book in the world with the most completely consistent ancient manuscripts of any publication ever.

It’s the Bible. Get a Bible. Read the Bible. Download a Bible app and find the translation you understand best. Read it alongside the King James version.

We learn about God through understanding his word, the Bible.

You need teachers and preachers in order to do that. There are all different kinds preaching God’s word, and some people’s styles will resonate more with you than others. Here are some online I recommend:

Revelation Church LA and Prophet Lovy.

Another great prophet who teaches well is EJ Newton at Great Grace Church in Miami.

Derek Prince is one of the greatest Bible teachers who ever lived.

David Pawson was also excellent.

Charles Stanley was a giant in the faith whose messages will last as well.

Go get your new life in God.